James

In real life mutations generally vary from pointless (hello extra little finger) to damn dangerous. In films/videogames/pulp fiction mutations range from pointless (Um... one of the shit x-men) to awesome (one of the good x-men). This story is about a gazelle called James. There may be mutations involved.

In on the 23rd of May 1956 Mr. Gavin Gazelle and Mrs. Gina Gazelle become the parents of their new baby gazelle. Bored of umpteen generations of alliterative names they decide to call their child Harold, and decide to affectionately call him James. The first few days of James life were quite run of the mill. Falling after stumbling a few steps was par for the course for Gavin as he was a raging drunk, the young James mirrored his father perfectly. What was about to happen was quite unusual however, James after falling over for the tenth time got bored and told his father to act sensibly (clean edit). Now for most people aware of the growing patterns of gazelle will know that gazelles can’t communicate in actual words with their parents until at least one year old, so this was clearly unusual behaviour. Gina and Gavin being new parents didn’t have a clue that this behaviour was unusual because they were new to the parenting malarkey. It was only a fortnight later when the new parents and kiddo joined up with the rest of the gazelle crew did they realise that something was not quite right.

“oh MY FUCKING GOD! WHAT’S UP WITH HIS FACE?”

What Gavin and Gina had failed to notice was that affixed to the back of the baby James face was in fact a computer. (2.93GHz, Blu-Ray, Satellite connected Interwebs, 3 inch monitor, USB port, Intel Inside sticker, white/red LED power switch)

Why they didn't notice, who knows choose your own reason now:
a) Blindness cause by love
b) Blindness caused by stupidness
c) They thought it was cool
d) They thought it was a phase afflicting all new gazelles
e) Other

Regardless, the FaceAttachedComputerExtra (FACE) was a concern to the other members of the gazelle crew. The leaders of the gazelle crew got together and spoke of, what must have seemed at the time, the crazy monstrosity. The leaders of the crew were: Hey, Bee, Sea, Dee, EEEEEEEEEEE, Ef and Gem. Out of the seven Gem was the queen of the lot, her way with words delighted, frightened and pummelled friends and enemies alike and if anyone captured the mood of the gazelle crew in any amount of words most precisely, accurately and eloquently it was Gem. She had the following to say.
“That shit ain’t right, I have no idea what that thing on your face is kid, but frankly it scares the bejesus out of me, and I suspect erryone else but ya ma n pa. I suggest you hang round at the front of the crew on look out until we figure out what the heck you are and what the hell we are gonna do about it.”
While it may seem a remarkably unprogressive attitude to slight variations in the appearance of gazelle, it has to be noted that they were stupid animals and thus the fact they didn’t go out and kill the poor kid on first sight has to be commended.


So it was agreed that James with his FACE was allowed to hang with the crew, albeit at the front, and while not the most vulnerable place, he was placed where everyone could keep an eye on him. James was also outcast a bit from the group. It was not an uncommon occurrence that the other gazelles would stop talking as soon as Jim got near. While James was somewhat lonely he also was smart enough to realise he was fortunate not to be dead and that if a lion jumped the back of the crew, he wouldn’t be the first to get ruined and the chance of winning the lottery where there are 6 numbers picked from 1 to 49 is about 14 million to one.

Eventually things got easier for James, a year or so later he was able to join in conversations about frivoulous things like neat tufts of grass and how the trees swayed. Although James was not allowed to join in any real conversations, he appreciated being finally let into the group, at least partially. He calculated at the current rate of his integration he may be able to convince at least 4 gazelles to go in front of him in the crew and talk about The Rights of ‘Elle while they were walking around within the next 6 months, if the current sociological parameters were maintained.

Three or four months later things were going much to plan. James was second from the front in the crew (there were a few grumbles, but nothing too major) and people were laughing at his jokes. His prediction was going exactly to prediction until the end of the fourth month (since he made his prediction).

For two weeks since the fourth month the gazelles had failed to find any clean water or interesting food. It was a depressing time and the crew were getting restless. The leading council of gazelles appeared to come up with a new plan every other day in order to find food or water and every other other day everyone else would come to the conclusion that the last plan was complete horseshit. As the days passed and the crew got more and more weary at their leaders, a horrible undercurrent of venom spread through the crew. James realised that this changing of the scene ruined his future potential happiness a) because he and his family would run out of food and b) because when a mob gets pissed off they pick on the weakest and while by no means was James the weakest, he was certainly the most isolated. James realised he had to get into action and resolve this issue as best he could.

James asked for a meeting with Gem. She point blank refused. James pulled out some psychic Derren Brown Voodoo on her and convinced her it would be a good idea to listen. In their conversation he explained the best way to find food, based on numerous calculations, was to follow the tide as that’s where all the good stuff happens. Gem kind of desperate and kind of attracted to the idea of having a scapegoat if things went wrong went along with the plan and announced that she had taken advice from James. It was shortly afterwards that food and water were found. James was a fucking hero. James standing within the group was greatly elevated, and he was quickly ushered into the council as an advisor (he still wasn’t strong enough to lead and the old crew were still partially wary of him, so he was never going to be allowed the role of full leader).

It was 12 months of prosperity for the crew under the “advice” of the “advisor” James and soon, James would be old enough to find a mate and produce his own offspring. James was hot property, with his intelligence his offspring would “advise” a dynasty of gazelle and everyone knew this. James also had a clear understanding of what it meant for him to have offspring and what it meant for his fellow gazelle. He would indeed lead a race of gazelle and his children and his children’s children (for three months), but he also knew that he and his progeny would (or have already) in fact transcend the dumbass gazelle he graced his presence with currently. They would be a lineage of supergazelle smarter than the average gazelle and smarter than the smarter than average gazelle. They could design new invention...

AAAAargh!

James, in his daydreaming fell into a pit and died, the jackass.