crayonland

crayonland project #1

2011-05-03T15:37:00.002+01:00

Inspired by reading Eeee Eee Eeeee (I can never get the number of Es right) I've decided I should start writing again.

Here's the game:

100 days

100 pages of writing (A4, single side)

Just to see what the fuck pops out.

I have a weeks worth of ideas so far let's see how long it goes before it fizzles.

LET'S GO

K.

2011-02-15T22:15:00.002Z

It's Like. Whe...when. Everytime it's the end. The last flickers of the fire remain, you wouldn't even call them embers really, just 'embs' at a stretch. But look. Here comes the gasoline. AND we're back in business. But no it's Tesco fuck value fuck petrol so dies just as quick.

Fuck this shit time to get the blanket.
I think.

Fell In Love With a Girl, refix.

2010-12-18T23:32:00.000Z

Fell in love with a girl
fell in love once and almost completely
she's in love with the girls
but sometimes these feelings
can be so misleading
she turns and says "you want my number?"
I said "Sure why not, hey you wanna go skating?"
She says “let's make it a date, this friday eve?” even though she's quiet on keepin' it platonic.

Dark hair and a bow
steady as she goes, mister.
and the eyes for falling
can't keep away from the girl
these two sides of my brain
need to have a meeting
can't think of anything to do
my left brain knows that
chromesome Y means
any connection's DOA.
and I said it once before
but it bears repeating

Top 10 Albums 2010

2010-12-03T21:20:00.003Z

1. Have One On Me - Joanna Newsom

2. The ArchAndroid - Janelle Monae

3. Expressions - Music Go Music

4. Have one on Me - Gil Scott Heron

5. The Family Jewels - Marina and the Diamonds

6. I Speak Because I Can - Laura Marling

7. IRM - Charlotte Gainsbourg

8. Hidden - These New Puritans

9. Set Yourself on Fire - Envy

10. Catching a Tiger - Lissie

imagination to realness.

2010-11-25T01:14:00.002Z

Jesus.
I just spilt my guts about the whole thing to EMJ and now I'm even more of a nervous wreck about the whole thing.

Either. I'm imagining it. Or I'm not. If I'm very imagining the whole thing. I'll feel really fucking retarded. I'f I'm not imagining it then it could be very exciting.

AND REALLY FUCKING SCARY.

HALP!

mistercrayon you fucking moron.

2010-11-23T01:07:00.002Z

SCI FI NIGHT!

:-(

why?

2010-08-12T00:48:00.001+01:00

WHY!?

The bagel shop.

2010-08-08T23:36:00.002+01:00

Cary walked into the bagel shop, and waited while a Scottish man ordered his bagel, something that required meat to be heated up. When the Scottish man finished, despite the time waiting, Cary still spent an age deciding what kind of bagel to get. The honey glazed was tempting, but in the end he decided for the kind covered in herbs.

Cary asked the girl for the herby bagel with lettuce, tomatoes, slice of cheese, but not toasted- thanks - it scratches the roof of his mouth. She asked if he cared that the meat in the place wasn't halal, or if he was just a regular vegetarian, because there was a bagel shop that did sell hala meat. He was touched by the concern, even though it didn't matter to him. They talked.

She asked him where he was from he replied, "just down the road- but really I'm from further away" He continued in a self centred vain, I guess this is what came naturally to him. By the end of their conversation, she was talking relaxed and her head rested on her arm at and angle not vertical (was that a sign?).

He later regretted just taking his bagel, not asking her name, and in general being a fat head.

He might get a bagel tomorrow.

Traps

2010-03-07T18:21:00.002Z

I'm not doing that thing again. Although if memory serves I didn't do it last time either.
I'm not going to do the thing I didn't do last time, but which happened anyway so the net result was the same as if I'd done it; thus I'm not going to do that thing again in such away, that the net result is as if I didn't do that thing.

I can see it now. All the stuff that's happening is as if the tape was rewound but not erased
and the tape was put on play. The joy, the smart.

But we ain't playing it this way again.

Truth.

2010-02-24T19:20:00.002Z

"The truth shall set you free" said a man once.
"okay hit me, tell me the trooth" responded a second man.
"you see all these fields? Acres and acres of room to do what you please. Rabbits bouncing around. A tree to climb and millions of daisies to dance in. The way that the sun warms your skin so you can bound around wearing the freeest clothes?"
"yeah"
"well it's all a hallucination, you're actually in prison"
"fuck"

let the blocks fall as they may.

2009-12-19T02:51:00.002Z

If you have a space for the line block in Tetris. Then there’s only one piece that’s going to go there. But clearly the space has been crafted by the player.
Why do we craft the space? It lets us make things disappear. Ofuckofuck. A column of zds on the right hand side, but it’s all good cause we got a space for the straight line piece. And then all the blocks will vanish.
If the straight piece don’t come then we fucked or we keep going till we can or cannot. The straight piece has to come. Will come. And who are we to criticise its nature? It’s what it is.
Tetris metaphor getting tired. I’m tired it’s two forty six. Two forty seven.
There’s more hats approaching from the horizon. This one’s pointier.

Box of crayons 3: I've got your number, baby!

2009-12-02T21:44:00.004Z

After last weeks scandinavia love in, I've gone back to making an actual mix yo. I've made a playlist on Youtube and you can find it right about HERE

Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels) – Arcade Fire

5/4 – Gorillaz

Aretha, Sing one for me – Cat Power

One Hit – The Knife

Hora Zero – Rodrigo y Gabriela

Seven Nation Army – Alice Russell

Song 2wo – Earl Zinger

Seven – Fever Ray

I Got 5 on it – Da Luniz

Witness (1 hope) – Roots Manuva

I’m a Slave 4 U – Britney Spears

High 5 (Rock the Catskills) – Beck

Baby One More Time – Britney Spears

Me Plus One – Annie

One More Time – Daft Punk

5 Years Time – Noah and the Whale

One – Rodrigo y Gabriela (Live from Manchester/Dublin version)

One – Aimee Mann

Points of Authority/99 Problems/One Step Closer – Jay-Z and Linkin Park

Still a lot of covers, but what ever. I reckon an entire album of "one"s could be made, but the quality would be garbage. I also didn't put in any things like "first" else my 1st song (by Jay-Z) would have made it in too.

Near misses included 24 - Emmy The Great, Million Miles Away - Offspring, A couple of songs by Led Bib, 26 Basslines by Benga, 19-2000 (soulchild refix) and M1A1 - Gorillaz.

I should've put in 99 Red Balloons. Dammit.

Stuff that can FUCK OFF:

REVOLUTION 9
SEVEN DAYS - CRAIG DAVID
Nine2FIve- Ordinary Boys.

Catch later people, hopefully with a non music update or some random garbage!

Kunal.

Box of Crayons 2: Nobel, Lego, Expensive Beer and Really Good Racing Drivers.

2009-11-23T23:04:00.004Z

Scandinavian pop is wicked. Not just wicked, it’s really really bloody brilliant. The neptunes were fun for a bit, and Timbaland only makes music for Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado now. If you want a good pop record made, go to Scandinavia. Consistently awesome since FOREVER (well ABBA).

Check it out- 26 songs from Scandinavia.

Erase/Rewind- The Cardigans (Swe)
Chewing Gum – Annie (Nor)
Heartbeat – Annie (Nor)
Sitting Down Here – Lene Marlin (Nor)
Take You Home – Annie (Nor)
My Boys – Taken By Trees (Swe)
Freestyler – Bomfunk MCs (Fin)
Seven – Fever Ray (Swe)
Nothing to Worry About – Peter Bjorn and John (Swe)
Boat Behind – Kings of Convenience. (Nor)
Blue Monday - Flunk (Nor)
Turn Back Time – Aqua (Den)
Barbie Girl – Aqua (Den)
Hate to Say I Told You So – The Hives (Swe)
Glorious – Andreas Johnson (Swe)
Sandstorm – Darude (Fin)
Are you Still Having Fun? – Eagle Eye Cherry (Swe)
Heartbeats – The Knife (you might know the cover version from the Sony advert with the balls) (Swe)
Triangle Walks – Fever Ray (Swe)
Gimme Gimme Gimme – ABBA (Swe)
Life is a Flower – Ace of Base (Swe)
Call on Me – Eric Prydz. (Swe)
Buddy X 99 – Neneh Cherry vs Dreem Teem. (Swe)
My Favourite Game – Cardigans. (Swe)
License to Kill – A-ha (Nor)

Please forgive the Annie triple hit, it took great effort not to fill this with Annie. :-D
Some get in on a technicality. I don’t care.
The Ace of Base track could have been “all that she wants” but I like “life is a flower” better.
You can use the Youtube below to check all of the tracks. I have made links for my favourites/ones I can be bothered with. Naturally, I've picked the tracks, so they are all pretty darn wonderful. :-D

Here is a pie chart showing relative dominance. These statistics were compiled from official statistics or the list above. Whichever I came across first, yeah?

Franklin and Spanish.

2009-11-20T00:59:00.002Z

Franklin says to Spanish.
I shouted into a mirror today and it was irritating.
I normally shout at the world.
But today I shouted at the mirror and it was irritating.
I thought I was being sincere.
But it was just fucking irritating.
Seriously
Just Fucking IRRITATING.
I should stop shouting at the world.
Ideally I will.
But who everdoesthingswhentheyareideal.
Not me.

Box of crayons: colourmix.

2009-11-16T19:21:00.008Z

I was listening to the radio today and the radio chap put on an entire mix which had a theme (fruit). I was/am inspired to make my own mix/set list. Here it is but the theme isn't fruit but colours :-D

Black Dog- Led Zepplin

Samurai Blue – ZZ

Mr. Blue Sky – Lily Allen

Seven Notes in Black – High Contrast

Greyest Love of All – Taken by Trees (spotify link)

Yellow Sun – The Racounteurs

Blue Monday – Flunk

Silver Stallion – Cat Power

Californication – Red Hot Chili Peppers

White Blank Page – Mumford and Sons

Little Cream Soda - The White Stripes

Purple Haze – Jimi Hendrix

O Green World – Gorillaz

Yellow Submarine – Roots Manuva

Racing Green – High Contrast

colours– The Prodigy

Red Right Hand – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Blackbird – The Beatles

White Collar Boy – Belle and Sebastian

Red Red Red (bootleg)– Fiona Apple

Goldeneye – Tina Turner

Black Coffee- All Saints

Golddigger – Kanye West feat Jamie Foxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Gold Lion – Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Liar and Thief.

2009-11-15T15:09:00.001Z

I took something that wasn’t mine.

You’re a good thief.

Why do you say that

Because you reveal your secrets

Wait.

No.

I think you’re lying.

I tell the truth sometimes.

Is now one of those times?
Yes.

Excellent.

What did you steal?
A thing.

A thing?

It might not actually be a thing. Like a real thing I mean.
Like a metaphorical thing?

Yeah I stole a thing which wasn’t actually a thing.

You took it and it wasn’t yours

You care?

No.

Well fuck off then.

Project Athena.

2009-11-05T22:24:00.005Z

In 1980s Government scientists in the [censored] carried out experiments on reading neural electric patterns and translating them into language. Test control subject "Lisa" was the 67th in a series of trials and what follows is the transcript of a conversation, presumably before the experiment, and an apparent translation of her brain patterns into English.

[Recording Starts]
Scientist: "Today's date is [unintelligble] 1983. Present is myself Dr. [Static] and trial number 67 - Lisa. Lisa, is everthing okay?"

Lisa: "I'm [unintelligable] starving, but otherwise, naturally, I am A-O-K Docco. Can we just get on with this? I need to.. [unintelligable]"

Scientist: "Quite. Lisa, today I'm going to allow you to wear this hat, don't worry about the probes they are [static] harmless. I'm going to leave the room and leave you here with a small plate and a marshmallow. I ask you not to think about or eat the marshmallow. Do you understand?"

Lisa: "[static] off"

Scientist: "I'm also going to leave this clock and I will be back in half an hour. Remember for the next half an hour do not think about the marshmallow or eat the marshmallow- If you manage this we'll [unintelligable] free."

[recording ends]

Translation/Reading:

Minutes 1-4: High zetawave concentration. Apparent rage.
Minutes 5-7: Zetawaves significantly reduced. Get...thing..Remove.
Minutes 8-9: Maccawaves increase: Apathy.
Minutes 10-12: Ringowaves and some Zetawave increase. Theism... Self.. Hunger.
Minutes 13-14: Ringowaves maintain and Zetawave activity subsides. Don't... mall..shop... mall... confection...
Minutes 15-17: Sudden spike in Zetawave. Must not... Distract Distract
Minutes 18-22: Lanawaves surge and Zetawaves subside again. rabbit horse horse cow field country country countrsweety clouds clouds clouds clouds soft soft...
Minutes 23-26: Lanawaves and Einwaves high. 13+3..14x9... soft...85-12...98-98..
Minutes 27-29: Ringowaves increase Einwaves and Lanawaves reduce. unit...remain.
Minute 30: Maccawaves and Ringowaves increase: Relief.

Man and Flower.

2009-11-02T20:39:00.006Z

What follows is some stuff.

A man starts off at the deepest point in the deepest valley in Northwest Leicestershire.
A thing strikes the man, because the deepest valley in Northwest Leicestershire is actually just the bottom of a teeny tiny hill. Northwest Leicestershire is mostly flat. Or it might not be. Who gives a fuck anyway?

The man tries to climb out of the darned valley everyday and everyday he manages to take a half dozen or 7 steps up the teeny tiny hill. He makes the steps despite having inappropriate shoes for the task. If the man made steady progress at an average of 6.5 steps a day, at the end of the month he would reach the summit of the teeny tiny hill.

There's a snag. Upon reaching step 17 the man gets nostalgic. Or he sees a butterfly which triggers a memory and he longs for the deepest point in the deepest valley in Northwest Leicestershire. It also doesn't help that at the deepest point of the deepest valley in Northwest Leicestershire is a flower.

The flower is arguably pretty. You might say it was positively stunning. You may also say that the flower was amazingly astounding. The last two sentences are however unlikely to be said by you, unless you are a liar, because saying those things would be lies. Or more accurately they are truths if you ignore all the less couth parts of the flower. Like the thorns or the crinkled petals. Of course these features were ignored by the man, for they made the flower only arguably pretty. And who get's nostalgic for things that are only arguably anything?

The man, forever drawn to the flower, but also longing for a good meal (Cheese and Pineapple Toasted Sandwich) decided enough was enough and decided to make another attempt at the ascent. He failed and went back down again.

Slaughterhouse 5.

2009-11-02T00:22:00.006Z

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

This short prayer exists at the very start of the novel (in fact before the novel even starts) and I reckon sums up a lot of what happens quite neatly. The thing also holds a pretty sentiment so I think it's a neat way of starting a thing of my thoughts about the book.

The book is about a person Billy Pilgrim and his accounts leading up to and surrounding the bombing of Dresden during the second world war. From this summary it's not evident what the scope of the novel actually is. The book not only deals with events but also what appears to be how Pilgrim copes with the events of the second world war. The book starts off with Vonnegut disclosing how he got round to writing this book and the words he had with other people during its writing. The book then reaches chapter 2/3 and starts properly with the events in the life of Billy Pilgrim.

A brilliant thing about the book is how often real life (or is it?) smears into fiction (or does it?). Aspects of Pilgrim's life are given rational explanations in certain places, aspects of "Vonnegut's" life bleed into Pilgrim's life and the whole thing kept me hooked the whole time I was reading it.
The book is written in a breezy/washed over tone despite the obvious heaviness of the subject matter at hand, which gives the impression this is how Pilgrim copes with the trauma of the situations he finds himself in.

Essentially the work feels like a statement regarding inevitability. Early on the author's agent/publisher says that writing an anti-war book is as smart as writing an anti glacier book, citing the inevitability of each and how no person is going to meet with success any attempt to prevent either. The fact that Pilgrim's new adventures are the result of a series unlikely occurances (heck, his entire survival is an unlikely occurance) of which he has no control over further adds to the the argument that as individuals we have no real control over much really. Finally the point is most explicitly put by another character (at the very end of a chapter) suggesting explicitly that the notion of free will is a fairly uncommon view (this will make more sense on reading the book) and most people accept that free will is not real.

Flibbertigibbet

I dig this work man.

laters

K.

I liked this novel, but I'm reminded of these novels also worth a peek which strike me as having similar vibes:

Flatland
Lunar Park

Songs that I like: This is Your Life- Tyler Durden/Dust Brothers

2009-10-30T00:09:00.004Z

This is your life

Until you know that...you are useless.

Great music for the gym. Or more accurately, not at all. But still you have Tyler Durden sermoning his nasty brand of anarchy over a sitary ding dong loopy oddness and over a thumping bassline.
Your pain is a white ball of healing light...

I don't think so.

Just brilliant.

Serendipity, Luck, Fate and Providence.

2009-10-27T23:20:00.003Z

I'm not gonna talk about providence 'cause that involves God, and frankly no tale or thought process requires a DxM to solve all our problems. I mention cause it's a cool word that Morpheus from the Matrix says and vaguely fits in the theme of the following words.

I was about to do something incredibly stupid or cute depending on how it might have turned out. I'll say little more than it would have involved a single piece of fruit. The fruit in question was to be purchased and used in, as previously mentioned, cute or stupid way. Turns out I couldn't buy the fruit cause the fruit was not in stock. The moment has passed and even if it's in stock tomorrow, the boat has sailed. At this moment, and forever, I'll have no idea if I was saved from ridicule or on the first step to being a hero. Annoying.
.
Also today I was at work. I work and I see a thing from another place of work. I friend of mine works at this place and I haven't spoken to this friend in a while. I take this as a sign I should speak to the friend, let's call this serendipity. Of course the story is incomplete. How did the conversation go? It didn't the friend couldn't answer the phone. What is this? Fate double backing on itself? Insanity.

Whatever.

Kind Regards

C

SAW VI

2009-10-27T23:02:00.004Z

Considering what garbage Saw 5 was, it's a miracle that Saw 6 isn't a complete waste of time. If you can tell, there's a giant weight hanging over that sentence, and that weight is a not inconsiderable "but".

The thing that makes Saw interesting is that allegedly the people in the film have some choice. The people need to ruin themselves in order to live. However this time about half the people have no choice in the matter and the reasoning that they are in there is occasionally really really weak (Are you single? Or have a family with health issues? Do you smoke? well you might die for those reasons).

Also none of the people have any heart. I don't care if the victims die anymore because most of them are thoroughly unlikeable. And if given a chance history suggests they always do the wrong thing anyway. Of course the only people who ever win are the multitude (jeez there must be about 50 of them now) antagonists from previous films.

Anyway, at this time I have no idea if I'm gonna see 7, I forgave 5 for being shite because 1-4 were okay, but now even the writers can't be arsed and just rehash the old films. And constantly losing is just crap, I don't care if it's the right way for a horror film to end, it's just tiresome and boring now. Mix it up horror men

K

Broken Pencil

2009-10-26T23:21:00.002Z

I just saw a picture of a pencil which was broken, and then another picture of the same pencil, in all likelihood, sharpened!

I don't know why this pencil, the sight of it being restored to almost full glory perhaps, made me chuckle.

I'd come up with a simile but it's too late and I'm tired.

In other news I still haven't watched Saw 6 yet, but I did have some ice cream. Maybe there is such a thing called karma but I have no idea what that word really means.

Sports Night is a really good show, but it would be interesting to know how other people percieve it.

what you want? Have it.

2009-10-23T22:57:00.006+01:00

Since the beginning of September I have been awaiting for a momentous occasion; the day the shop sells ice lollies/creams for 50% of the regular price. It's an important day, and when the day arrives, by golly it's time to cash in my friend. Out of the choice of anything but Magnums I choose strawberry tropical Calippo (it looks like the one over there) Here's what happened:

So I was eating the lolly, yeah. As you know over time the whole thing melts and a larger bit becomes liquid. Oh fuck there's a hole in the tube! Nuts! as time passes there's an increased the rate of liquid pouring all onto my desk, and all over the carpet. In order to minimise the mess made to floor/desk I decided to increase rate of consumption. The increased rate of consumption caused me to INHALE (literally) the juice of ice lolly. And my nose and throat chucked out remnants of ice lolly juice sporadically for the next half an hour. In addition to weird flavour snot I started choking on the liquid too. While choking i was mildly distracted, once the impending threat of death subsided, I realised I had been afflicted by another issue of eating ice lolly too fast. BRAIN FREEZE. Fuck the paiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin. I then ran to the washroom, chucking away the remnants of calippo ( :-( ) and I had to wash my hands of sticky liquid. Then I had to wait for the hand dryer because another man was using it.

The important thing though is this: I only paid forty pence for the privilige.

I win, right?

Heh, a different thing to worry about!

2009-10-23T22:32:00.002+01:00

So Griffin appeared on the show and turned out to not have a reasonable veneer. Or had one for about the minute before he tried to hit back at Jack Straw with a "my dad could have your dad" argument, and went down hill from there.

It seems now rather than getting respectability from appearing the reasonable Dick, he turned into the helpless chap the more savvy politicos were "bullied" by. Well boo fucking hoo. Griff old boy if you wanna get into the ring, you better be able to take a punch or two or at least put your fists up. To prolong this analogy a shade more, Griff stepped into the ring like a panto villain (hello chorus of boos), stood in the ring, shrugged a bit and then spent the next hour punching himself in the face. And now he apparently gets empathy, for not just being a tosser, but a self defeating one too. Dear dear me.

Let's chat about the other people on the show.

Jack Straw: talked. then talked some more and just when he made an interesting point he carried on! Snoozefest.

Lib Dem Chap: Was apparently there.

Dimbleby: crowd control using a demonic tie. Good work otherwise, yeah.

Baroness Warsi: Worked well until the topic about Gately/Moir reared its head. I got the impression that she wanted to condemn the notion of a civil partnership, but realised that would meant she agreed with Griffin and thought better of it. Additionally, her criticism of Straw/Labour was justified and well made, albeit the same point was stated about 18 times.

Bonnie Greer: an absolute hero. While remaining constantly (justifiably) offended by the knobhead, she gave him interesting words and thoughts.

It's somewhat regretabble that the BNP probably gained a few (hopefully very few) new empathizers. But there is a hope in my heart that maybe, maybe, enough people saw this and realise what not voting actually means. It means dickheads like this get into seats of power and cancer their way into stronger and stronger positions, just because no-one can be bothered to root them out when they are more minor threat. Hopefully this will also wake up politicos into realising an entire nation is their's to serve, not just the few people who will swing the elections.

Sayonara for now, folks

K

Small Concern.

2009-10-20T20:42:00.002+01:00

Nick Griffin is on the BBC this Thursday on Question Time. I have some concerns. The chap has clearly got a bit of charisma and political savvy, what with being the leader of a party. Additionally he has enough people willing to vote for him and his fellow fuckwits into seats of power like the European Parliament.

This week the chap has a chance to reach out to a nation jaded by politicos (fuck any place where the mood implies Cameron is the breath of fresh air we need not long after Tony, has clearly got some issues). And unless the fellow panellists hustle the bastard Griffin into making serious mistakes, he's gonna appear even more reasonable to an audience (one suspects) larger than anything he could have ever imagined (4 million people ish)

Fortunately (I suspect) most people who watch Question Time (I hope) are smart enough to realise what a cock Griffin is and tell him to get the fuck out with his shite, regardless of how he manages to dress it up on Thursday. I just hope the other politicos are smart enough to play the game well.

Unnerved a bit.

K

Songs that I like: Fell in Love With a Girl - The White Stripes.

2009-10-18T21:50:00.007+01:00

Fell In Love With a Girl (Youtube)

Even before I gas about the song, here's a mention for the cracking video. Constructed with Lego (RTM) and directed by the fabulous Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine: woop)

The song is simple. A crunching riff on loop, occasional abrupt halting and a sprinkling of Jack White going “aaah-ah-ah –aah-aah” all neatly wrapped up by a final chord all before even a hundred and twenty seconds has had a chance to pass.

What I really like about the song, along with the confident “hey guess what I’m here!” then leaving way before it has any chance of becoming boring, is the words. Firstly there’s the cute as a button girl in love with the world and how much “Jack” knows it’s not smart (sometimes these feelings can be so misleading/my left brain knows that love is fleeting) to care so much for her. I also dig the subtle allusion to Jack White’s Rita Hayworth fetish (red hair with a curl) which then gets a full outing in Get Behind Me Satan. But most of all I just love the response to a question no bloke ever really answers properly:

“Are you alright?”
“I must be fine, ‘cause my heart’s still beating”

Laters yar.

Songs that I like: In For the Kill (Skreams Let's Get Ravey Remix) - La Roux

2009-10-15T20:14:00.010+01:00

In for the Kill (Skream's let's get ravey Remix) - Youtube

I love how the thing starts, a lovely fluty synthy almost like the pied piper is leading you into a merry dance, and then just as the melody gets a bit too sickly...

Boooooom

The bassline kicks in force undulating in the background while La Roux just about holds it together with an 80’s vocal singing about punctuation and laying your heart on the line. Slowly the baseline starts crumbling. The the time between the dips and highs of the bassline lumbering then stumbling, slower and slower and slower until the song can't take it any more and collapses under its own heaving weight.

Time for a turn around and resurrection: crash into a completely different direction, more snarey drums, but still a growling background of filth. The head nods smoothly, large movements everything becomes very deliberate.

The snares vanish, this is ending soon. Back to the undulations, vocals then...

Stop

SMASH!

Smacks it outta the park... with a dnb encore! As if the last 4 minutes of music have been a tease of brooding tension and menace; and just when things look bleakest and they finish--> here comes the pay off . Have minute 5 for free and let it all go like a mad man!

It's like rain on your wedding day.

2009-10-14T23:36:00.000+01:00

I remember how we met
On the first day I saw her I knew she was the one
It’s this one thing you did
Somethin’ like a phenomena
Thought that I was goin crazy
Lost my mind, there was something so pleasant about that place
God put a smile upon my face
“Pleased to meet you...”
Feel my heartbeat

And I’m talking to myself at night ‘cause I can’t forget
Crawling in my skin
My head’s in my hands
It’s taking its toll
blah, blah, blah collapse

Hitting scan on the radio
Cause the radio is playin’ songs that remind me of you
You got it all wrong, man
she was heartache from the moment that you met her
I’m so tired of cryin’ you’d think I was a siren

There’s too much confusion.
Sometimes you make me blue, sometimes I feel good.
Oh for the sake of momentum I’ve determined the future so it would match the past
Like a robot from 1984.
But my mind holds the key, my body is a cage
I’m losing my favourite game

I’m so tired, of playing, playing
Before the courage is gone
I’m going in for the kill
Almost to the point of no return
Here we are now, entertain us
There is no turning ba-ha-ack
Exhale Exhale Exhale
I’m just a soul who’s intentions are good, oh lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood
But tell me now where was my fault...
I swear I never meant for this, I never meant... don’t look at me that way

Titanic fare thee well?

District 9

2009-10-14T23:35:00.000+01:00

Recently I saw a film. I’m gonna start off with a negative statement which means that inevitably I really liked it. By any objective measure the film was an unfocussed mash up of stolen ideas (he shoots) but by golly what a delightful riot it was (he scores).

The film on first impression was gonna be some too cool for school awesome batch of cleverness. I watch a bit and think “Uh-oh”. First there’s a crazy metaphor where the film makers take a concept in law, and made it literal. Then they took an idea from some other films (Cloverfield, Blair witch) and flogged it like some dead horse. The fact that that particular concept is already a bit dated and frankly trying too hard to be damn clever, started to irritate me after about 20 minutes. The lead character was a complete knob and a (literal) racist . He was fokking funny though. The whole thing was pootling along at an irritating pace, to be honest (it’s hard to move with a head up your arse).

Suddenly... (what a lazy way to change pace)

The filmmakers went “fuck this shit!” and stole with abandon from videogames and any 80s action movies they could think of and ran with it. It was brilliant. Seriously there was bits of Lethal Weapon, Aliens, Arnie Films, blowing shit up. The awesome stuff yar. And the whole thing stopped taking itself so seriously that it became better than all of the natty concept garbage could ever have lived up to.

It was as if the first ten pages of script was to con the moneymen that this megasmart lah-di-dah was worth funding and then just as the cash dudes had fallen off their chairs from their minds melting, all the really cool stuff was sneaked in afterwards. :-D

Okay it wasn’t all dumb. I loved how there was foreshadowing of really neat stuff. Late on a character manages to navigate a vehicle, and I thought- how’s this dumbass kid managed to do this? Then I realised that there was a hint earlier that the kid was a whizz. Then there was the metamorphosis. How does ingesting technology (specifically some arbitrary piece of tech, i.e. not designed for such things) cause an entire DNA set to be mutated? Stupid eh? Oh wait a minute the technology is intrinsically linked to the DNA, well I guess it does make sense! Also towards the end I realised how well the Blair Witch thing was used. It was just a macguffin to explain 20 years of history in a way that wasn’t too didactic, but needed to be said. A nice trick pulled off well.

Kudos, chaps

No one belongs here more than you

2009-10-14T23:34:00.001+01:00

I recently read a book, I might call it the book. The book contains the records of a number of people. By records I mean tales. And how their tales don’t have any crossing/mosaiking/referencing with any of the others. The point is there are a lot of tales. The people are odd. Some are fallen mega pop stars who have been to Spiller’s records in Cardiff. Others have relationships with the person they share a patio with and maybe another has an extremely dubious relationship with a person in the school she works in. In general all of the people are broken. The whole thing is quite conflicting. The author manages to slip the enough detail that makes you care, then just as you kind of feel real sorry for this almost husk of a person, you get the rug pulled from ‘neath you and the person ends up being really not right. Yet now it’s not even easy to withdraw all that empathy that’s been invested and even more curiously, it makes more sense for these people to be in this place. If we are told anything all the fucking time by stuff, it’s that damaged people become heroes and monsters are polar opposite to any of us.

The stories, while witty and have an interesting eye for detail, tend to be largely dejavuish. It’s as if this same person has populated a million worlds and we get to hear how this person would exist in varying circumstance. So maybe one time the person was a stripper, in another universe the person happened to run seminars on earthquake safety.

I dunno if I could recommend the book entirely. It’s a bit like doing a Sudoku. Every small bit you do is fairly interesting and makes you think, and laugh (okay maybe a Sudoku doesn’t make you laugh). Then you get to the end you feel a bit cleverer and look down and only see a collection of numbers. Then the realisation dawns that the last half an hour was spent writing the numbers one to nine in over and over again in several boxes and really you were just pulling off the same trick repeatedly, but disguised to make each moment of magic feel a bit different from the last.

James

2009-10-14T23:33:00.000+01:00

In real life mutations generally vary from pointless (hello extra little finger) to damn dangerous. In films/videogames/pulp fiction mutations range from pointless (Um... one of the shit x-men) to awesome (one of the good x-men). This story is about a gazelle called James. There may be mutations involved.

In on the 23rd of May 1956 Mr. Gavin Gazelle and Mrs. Gina Gazelle become the parents of their new baby gazelle. Bored of umpteen generations of alliterative names they decide to call their child Harold, and decide to affectionately call him James. The first few days of James life were quite run of the mill. Falling after stumbling a few steps was par for the course for Gavin as he was a raging drunk, the young James mirrored his father perfectly. What was about to happen was quite unusual however, James after falling over for the tenth time got bored and told his father to act sensibly (clean edit). Now for most people aware of the growing patterns of gazelle will know that gazelles can’t communicate in actual words with their parents until at least one year old, so this was clearly unusual behaviour. Gina and Gavin being new parents didn’t have a clue that this behaviour was unusual because they were new to the parenting malarkey. It was only a fortnight later when the new parents and kiddo joined up with the rest of the gazelle crew did they realise that something was not quite right.

“oh MY FUCKING GOD! WHAT’S UP WITH HIS FACE?”

What Gavin and Gina had failed to notice was that affixed to the back of the baby James face was in fact a computer. (2.93GHz, Blu-Ray, Satellite connected Interwebs, 3 inch monitor, USB port, Intel Inside sticker, white/red LED power switch)

Why they didn't notice, who knows choose your own reason now:
a) Blindness cause by love
b) Blindness caused by stupidness
c) They thought it was cool
d) They thought it was a phase afflicting all new gazelles
e) Other

Regardless, the FaceAttachedComputerExtra (FACE) was a concern to the other members of the gazelle crew. The leaders of the gazelle crew got together and spoke of, what must have seemed at the time, the crazy monstrosity. The leaders of the crew were: Hey, Bee, Sea, Dee, EEEEEEEEEEE, Ef and Gem. Out of the seven Gem was the queen of the lot, her way with words delighted, frightened and pummelled friends and enemies alike and if anyone captured the mood of the gazelle crew in any amount of words most precisely, accurately and eloquently it was Gem. She had the following to say.
“That shit ain’t right, I have no idea what that thing on your face is kid, but frankly it scares the bejesus out of me, and I suspect erryone else but ya ma n pa. I suggest you hang round at the front of the crew on look out until we figure out what the heck you are and what the hell we are gonna do about it.”
While it may seem a remarkably unprogressive attitude to slight variations in the appearance of gazelle, it has to be noted that they were stupid animals and thus the fact they didn’t go out and kill the poor kid on first sight has to be commended.

So it was agreed that James with his FACE was allowed to hang with the crew, albeit at the front, and while not the most vulnerable place, he was placed where everyone could keep an eye on him. James was also outcast a bit from the group. It was not an uncommon occurrence that the other gazelles would stop talking as soon as Jim got near. While James was somewhat lonely he also was smart enough to realise he was fortunate not to be dead and that if a lion jumped the back of the crew, he wouldn’t be the first to get ruined and the chance of winning the lottery where there are 6 numbers picked from 1 to 49 is about 14 million to one.

Eventually things got easier for James, a year or so later he was able to join in conversations about frivoulous things like neat tufts of grass and how the trees swayed. Although James was not allowed to join in any real conversations, he appreciated being finally let into the group, at least partially. He calculated at the current rate of his integration he may be able to convince at least 4 gazelles to go in front of him in the crew and talk about The Rights of ‘Elle while they were walking around within the next 6 months, if the current sociological parameters were maintained.

Three or four months later things were going much to plan. James was second from the front in the crew (there were a few grumbles, but nothing too major) and people were laughing at his jokes. His prediction was going exactly to prediction until the end of the fourth month (since he made his prediction).

For two weeks since the fourth month the gazelles had failed to find any clean water or interesting food. It was a depressing time and the crew were getting restless. The leading council of gazelles appeared to come up with a new plan every other day in order to find food or water and every other other day everyone else would come to the conclusion that the last plan was complete horseshit. As the days passed and the crew got more and more weary at their leaders, a horrible undercurrent of venom spread through the crew. James realised that this changing of the scene ruined his future potential happiness a) because he and his family would run out of food and b) because when a mob gets pissed off they pick on the weakest and while by no means was James the weakest, he was certainly the most isolated. James realised he had to get into action and resolve this issue as best he could.

James asked for a meeting with Gem. She point blank refused. James pulled out some psychic Derren Brown Voodoo on her and convinced her it would be a good idea to listen. In their conversation he explained the best way to find food, based on numerous calculations, was to follow the tide as that’s where all the good stuff happens. Gem kind of desperate and kind of attracted to the idea of having a scapegoat if things went wrong went along with the plan and announced that she had taken advice from James. It was shortly afterwards that food and water were found. James was a fucking hero. James standing within the group was greatly elevated, and he was quickly ushered into the council as an advisor (he still wasn’t strong enough to lead and the old crew were still partially wary of him, so he was never going to be allowed the role of full leader).

It was 12 months of prosperity for the crew under the “advice” of the “advisor” James and soon, James would be old enough to find a mate and produce his own offspring. James was hot property, with his intelligence his offspring would “advise” a dynasty of gazelle and everyone knew this. James also had a clear understanding of what it meant for him to have offspring and what it meant for his fellow gazelle. He would indeed lead a race of gazelle and his children and his children’s children (for three months), but he also knew that he and his progeny would (or have already) in fact transcend the dumbass gazelle he graced his presence with currently. They would be a lineage of supergazelle smarter than the average gazelle and smarter than the smarter than average gazelle. They could design new invention...

AAAAargh!

James, in his daydreaming fell into a pit and died, the jackass.

Psymon

2009-10-14T23:31:00.000+01:00

Good evening all and welcome to the Psymon Smythe show. I’m feeling a wave of energy tonight from the other side and I’m sure we can reconnect some of you here tonight, with your loved ones.
Here’s what I’m sensing first...has anyone received recently something extremely important, or valuable or purely holds great sentiment to someone who has left us recently?
Yes madam, what did you receive?
“A pair of slippers, they were indeed extremely important to the person who passed away”
A pair of slippers? Hmm, did they belong to a female relative?
“A female yes, but not a relative”
Ah, a family friend, did she ever come to your home? Was she at your home, often?
“Uh, I guess so; she was at my house, when she passed on, but she had never been to my home as far as I’m aware”
Did she live far away, possibly North, West, East..Yes EAST from you, was her name EAST? EASTMAN, Perhaps?
“No, she lived in the east, and I guess her name, and she was at my house, as far as I’m aware, once, and died”
But she left you her shoes?
“left, is a word you could use”
These were special shoes, special to the person who owned them ? I’m getting a feeling that other people also interested in these special shoes. There was animosity and ill feeling from family and friends when these shoes were left to you.
“heh, yeah that’s true, how did...”
It was her family, a sister perhaps?
“Umm... yeah...how..”
The sister’s reaction was aggressive, possibly involving threats of...
“Wow, the sister really went after me, sending some monkeys and shit after me”
The sister made physical threats, using ... thugs?
“no actual flying monkeys”
I’m getting a message from the other side.
- my sister was a spiteful cow-and broke my ...
“heh, you’re just telling me what you think I want to hear, FYI, that’s not how it was”
- ...but those slippers still belonged to my sister.
“Ha, yeah, nice save, prick, I robbed them shoes off some chick I killed with my house”
Yes the picture is becoming clearer
“no shit, I’m telling you what’s what-I’m not too fussed about miss East, cause she was an oppressive dictator, and I needed them pumps to get back home which, you might have figured out, was not exactly where my house was at the time, ”
Okay can we have... what’s your name?...
“Dotty”
Yeah can we have Dotty removed please? Thanks... bye luv, TTFN. Okay chaps let’s do that again.
Good evening all and welcome to the Psymon Smythe show. I’m feeling a wave of energy tonight...

haiku

2009-10-14T23:29:00.001+01:00

Found his heroine
Saved the day, then brung him down
He's hoping in vain

Ducks

2009-10-14T23:26:00.001+01:00

Urgh, I hate the way the phone lights up when the keypad locks just like the way the phone lights up informing you at the very least Domino's Pizza is thinking of you (but usually means more than that).

...the thing you apply whatever you want, and even the thing you hope is there is not even there but you still put it there just to make yourself feel better?

I once won an inflatable hammer by picking the duck from one of those games at the funfair. It wasn't skill the man waited until I actually did it, I was pretty quick but I suspect he would have more patience for a cackhanded child. I picked the duck and it showed the default prize. I really wanted the inflatable hammer so i was pleased. maybe I would have been disappointed with the giant (but inevitably crappily made) teddy bear.

Why do I pick the duck I did? Do? Will.
Is it a random thing- the moon lines up next to the sun and a leaf fell on a pigeons head and all of a sudden the duck is picked and I get hammers. do I even want a hammer- why do I even want to choose ducks? do the ducks choose me? Maybe I only choose the ducks that everyone wants becuase they have particularly large loops in their heads (or particularly small loops in their heads)

I dunno it's past one in the morning and this certainly isn't working.

Laters.

beLIEf.

2009-10-14T23:19:00.001+01:00

God apparently wants us to have faith (if you believe the hype)
God tells us (if you believe the hype) that it's laying out the truth, then tells us to believe the truth.
It might be me but I think asking someone to believe the truth isn't really an act of faith.
Gravity makes things fall.
I believe this is true.
Simple.
It would be way more awesome if the hype decided to say this
"Hello"
"I will tell you what might be lies"
"I will tell you what IS lies"
"If you have faith you'll believe in me"
"believe what I say, but that might be lies- so don't believe it cause that's what I told you to do, but I told you that it's lies so don't believe that if you believe in me"
Maybe telling us it's all a fraud (or making the whole thing so obviously stupid that it HAS to be a fraud)
And then believing that nonsense (stuff)
is the biggest act of faith we can possibly give.
What I'm sayin is:
Maybe the flying spaghetti monster
really is God's biggest test of faith.

Evil

2009-10-14T23:17:00.000+01:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Children of all ages, welcome to Marco Crayonis Wonderful Punderful Anti-Blunderful Circus of Majesty, Infamy and Daredevil Wickedness.

Amaze, ladies, gentlemen and children at the anti gravitational fantasy trapeze of the legendary Appelini Pair!

Laugh yourself Hoarse, but refuse to ride off, while entranced by the buffoonary of the Joker and Thief Circus troop

And.. Watch as Capt..Who the fuck are you?

I'm the new show. You can leave now.

Other people

2009-10-14T23:16:00.002+01:00

Like the Sudoku
one number at a time, a picture is formed
(it just looks random)
Then when the sixth seven is written
Hold on
“The answer to six down isn’t 582376”
Like the Rubik’s cube.
Again, to be solved?
Probably not- but still
A little further there,
And it’s more of a mess here.
Sadface.
like the The Magic Eye, perhaps.
Analysing the little bits is about as useful as
A piece of wood defusing a bomb.
(speed)
Maybe it only really makes sense
when you can see them just beyond
the bit you can see.
Look properly.
It’s Gone.
Curse.
The last bit might be inaccurate.
I’ll need to check.
You know in star trek
“Hyper resonate the large stable mass, to reverse shift the equilibrium, into volatile territory- causing a reverse manifold cascade, there by inverse impulsing the nearby rock field”
“Ah you mean blow that shit up”
Yeah that doesn’ t really work with people
But it does make thanatos rest.
For now.

Spaceship 3

2009-10-14T23:16:00.001+01:00

Cran, your room is awfully cramped.
> it might be the alien artefact you have had put in here.
Yeah, there’s that, but dear me where would you keep the swimming pool?
> You have a swimming pool? On board?
Of course.
>...
Cran, I’ve been working on the plan that Damage sent over the other day.
> Ah, excellent, may I add that I think we should move the artefact to the laboratory
Well, space is tight in the laboratory; those nerds really wanted a proper ‘cino machine.
> I think the artefact might be aware of my presence.
Do you mean it pines for days of yore?
> I mean I think it knows when I’m not looking, I strongly recommend that we move the artefact as quickly as possible.
‘cino machine...
> I don’t care about caffeinated beverages, the artefact hums unsettlingly when I bend over to tie my shoes. It’s too damn weird. It might be sending out odd rays and probing me while I sleep.
You mean this hunk of indescribable stuff is actually conscious?
> YES YES YES YES. Get it out of here now.
...
> As a sacrifice I’ll remove the ‘cino machine from the laboratories and keep it in here.
The nerds won’t be pleased.
>Why not? The artefact hums, it’ll keep them enthralled for hours.
Ok , I’ll have the porter move it to the labs.
> So Captain you said you were working on Damage’s plan.
Indeed Cran, it turns out the plan contains more than the childish scribbling I initially gave the plan
Credit for
> Well Damage did bond...
Yes, I can scroll down you know. I mean remember.
Anyway it turns out that the artefact requires me to place my hand on it. Or maybe not put my hand on it, apparently I should be able to just tell. Any way I then need to talk to it or not really talk to it, because it doesn’t have ears , but apparently it will understand what I’m thinking and then something even more vague will happen.
>this does seem dangerous and could be messy. I’m glad we teleported instantly to the labs, I just >adore my lilac carpet. This plan while dangerous and messy does feel incredibly short and easy to >describe. Wasn’t the plan about a score pages?
Yes it turns out most of what was written was the phrase ‘deus ex machina’ several times- I have no idea what it means- and a delightful recipe for macaroons.
>Macaroons?
Macaroons. Oh, the cat broke your puzzle. It got frustrated and threw it against the wall. And then collected the pieces and placed them kindly into this very plastic bag... which it then handed to me and now I am handing to you, and all responsibility has been ignored, thank youletscarryon. Let’s get to work, Cran.
> Feels like a 1 player game to me Captain.
Quite. Okay- er. OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, no- that didn’t work- stick my hand out- ooh it seems it wanted me to do that, but it didn’t want me to say that, or that, or this.
...
Aaaaaaaaaagh my skin! It’s tingling. And aching!
>MEDIC!

Spaceship 2

2009-10-14T23:15:00.001+01:00

> Sir...
Yes, Cran,
> The crew are complaining, they need access to the kitchen so they can resonate their food.
What?
> The crew, Sir, they wish to use the machine for making popcorn.
Did I order a directive to prohibit this?
>What, Uh? No, Sir, the alien artefact, you ordered it to be left in the kitchen,
>And now it’s blocking the resonator.
This is a typical challenge for the crew aboard
> I can’t imagine why.
What? It will test their collective resolve to abstain from maize based products
> Sir, if I may...
Yes Cran, anytime, you know your counsel is always welcome.
> Sir should we not be pressing to work out the mechanisms and origins of the alien artefact.
Cran, we are in space, everything is a frakking alien artefact, be more specific
>The alien artefact, the one, blocking the resonator, the one you asked for a plan for from
>Heather Damage.
Yes, yes yes... seen, seen.
>The plan from Damage was extremely difficult to obtain, she had to multiplex with the 4th ultra existence.
Amazing
> Pi... I mean, it is truly a pressing issue, the artefact that is. Solving it could solve all of our problems.
What problems.
>Sigh. Have you not seen Science Fiction before? All Sorts of generic problems occur until the writers >have a funding for a second more expansive series.
Ha fortunately we are real and not bound by the whims of some unimaginative hack.
Anyway I’m bored of the artefact.
>I See.
Yes. It turns out that the plan was really, really boring and hard to comprehend. And I found this Hyper Square Puzzle when I got to the third paragraph. I’m gonna leave the article for a week or so while I comprehend this.
> You read that far, huh... huh-Hu-yper Square Puzzle? Surely not a Straussian Hyper Square Puzzle with the limited edition gold face?
The very same
> That’s mine, you prick.
AIRLOCK!
>Ahem sorry sir, so have you managed to solve the Hyper Square yet?
No, it’s difficult, I daresay it may be more difficult to work out than that unfathomable alien artefact.
I try to get all the faces the same colour, but when I move one of the mini squares a lot of the others move. This makes it more difficult to get the unique solution.
>Do you mean the unique solution where each of the faces is a single colour?
Yes.
> I can find an equally unique solution.
What? Cool- Show me!
Hey! you just moved one piece and it looks as jumbled as before!
>It’s also an equally unique solution to the one you are searching for.
Stop shitting me.
>think about it. Sir, If I may, we really must get the alien artefact out of the kitchen.
>We may be facing mutiny otherwise.
Over popcorn?
> No all the intelligent, attractive and humourous crew from the Interstella Fleet have somehow >been assigned to other ships, it has been eight months aboard and the crew may be going insane.
>They deserve this small, small mercy.
Popcorn?
>Popcorn.
Okay, call the chief mover, have him move the artefact to room 888. Then we’ll progress rapidly onto solving this damned Square. I mean artefact
>But that’s my room.
Small, Small mercies Cran.

Spaceship 1.

2009-10-14T23:12:00.001+01:00

Please look after that carefully.
Because I have no idea what to with it.
Look it’s clearly of alien origin.
We aren’t familiar with its workings.
Let me ponder on this while I chew this highlighter pen.
>Yes Captain.
Don’t look at me like that; I’ll chuck you out the airlock.
My Wife made me quit smoking.
Well she will, So I’d rather not start now.
Please call my wisest advisor to the bridge.
>But..
I don’t care, Dot Frakking Cotton is not as important as this
Do I need to mention the airlock again?
> (I have been on ’17 for 8 months and he has issued the airlock threat thrice hourly)
...
Ah friend...
>This had better be important...
Ah, MisterCran...
>Seriously...
Ah lieutenant...
>I mean, Yes Captain.
I need you to help me understand this alien artefact.
>I’ll do my best
I have no doubt
>Hmm it appears captain, that I, the wisest bastard on this can, cannot fathom this quite intriguing...
Intriguing?
>Intriguing- yes, I find it quite interesting, because I cannot fathom it.
AIRLOCK!
>Wait.. I know someone who might have a plan.
Who?
>Her name is Heather Damage.
Heather? Hahahahahahah...What kind of fra..
>Quiet you. She might just save us from oblivion. Word round the camp fire...
Camp fire?
>I mean Positron Reactive Ignition Cascade Kelvin.
Ah rumour mill.
>Yeah that, is that she, Damage, knows all about alien artifacts.
Arty cats?
>Artifacts, sir. I shall send for a plan right away.
Does she not need to see it?
>See what?
The artefact.
>She works by instinct, in fact I believe she may already have a bond with the artefact.
Amazing.
>Piss off you patronising prick.
Airlock!
>Ahem, Sorry captain.
Hey, Cran, I’m the captain how come I don’t know about this Damage chick?
>Because you don’t know about any.
Any chicks?
>People.
but I can out psychologise a Mongolian cat nap.
>Yes but you still wouldn’t know its name.
Intriguing.
...
So this is the plan?
>The plan.
This?
>This
The Plan?
>The Plan
From Damage?
>Indeed
The best at this kind of thing with alien artifacts?
>The best. The most instinctive.
What am I meant to do with it?
>Use it?
The best plan, from the best person, you say?
>The best, from the best.
You’re sure?
>Yes.
She’s the best?
>Yes the best..
Then..
>Yes.
WHY IS IT WRITTEN IN FUCKING CRAYON?

Grand Prix.

2009-10-14T23:03:00.001+01:00

Intriguing Prospekt. Smart: investigate.
initial analysis complete- invest, do this now.
stock rising.
The price may go up as well as down.
Do not invest more than you can afford.
The price may go up as well as down.
Risk. Risk Risk.
The prix is rising.
Invest low, cash in high. Invest low cash in high.
Invest, Invest, Invest.
Steady? Steady? Steady's going nowhere quickly.
RIsk risk ri?
Invest invest invest.
Cash in?
Exchange please.
One soul. Thank you.
Trade in.
Commit.
Insider trading:
Knowledge
Stop.
Third Law of thermodynamics.
Third Law of economics
Third law of thermonics.
You ain't getting back to zero.
You can only break even-
If you break all the laws.
Hello Camel. would you like a straw?
Exhale Exhale Exale.
Breathe.
Suffocate>Fuck.
Withdraw.Exit.
Withdraw Withdraw Withrdraw.
EXIT EXIT EXIT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Macbeth Report

2009-10-14T20:54:00.000+01:00

The three Witches are lying face up are on the heath with their heads closest together forming a three pointed star in the middle of the East Midlands, probably stoned on whatever gives them their kicks and two riders approach.

"that was some battle, Banny"
"Your right Mac, how on earth you managed to slash down those three chaps behind you while your back was turned I have no idea"
"madskills. Hey do you find it odd we are referring to eachother by name even though we're the only two people here?"
"But we're not

the riders stop at the tripointed star of witches and there's some confusion as to where the witches came from.

"we should pay more attention to where we ride"

Mac and Banny get off their horses to investigate the oddness.

two of the witches mouth words, one of them has too much saliva and a bubble is formed, which expands for a second or two then pops, the saliva'd witch finds the pop amusing and smiles before rolling their head to the side.

"Get up ya bums!" says Mac
the shouting startles the trio, but they are in too much of a daze to do anything about it
" oh for fucks sake Mac, let's leave it"
"yeah, man"
The pair climb back onto their horses and turn their rides around.
*clip clop clip clop* (it's a concrete heath)
A pair of voices boom.

"A score and three quart a dozen 'sets from now you will be half what you are"
Banny whispers "What?"
the horses stop.
the horses turn around.
"A score and three quart a dozen 'sets from now you will be half what you are"
Banny says slightly louder "what?"
the booming voices say "say what again, I dare you, I double dare you"
"What?"
Banny is struck by lightning and thrown off his horse, knocked out from the blow, mac decides it's probably best left for the boomers to speak.
They recommence
"In half an orbit, what's left of you will rule all but one, but it'll not be enough
what's really important is that when you come at the King, you best not miss..."
"Shi..
*shut the fuck up Mac*
The boomers start another sentance, but it's interrupted by a third voice, a motherly voice, the voice has a tone that has Mac instinctively bashing away a hand thats wiping a smudge off his cheek. The boomers are now silent.

"no" says motherly
"wh.." says mac stopping himself.
"mac, son, you, are going to win the lottery next week"
"nice"

7 days later

"shit that crazy person was right, lady mac, we're on easy street now! No more killing bitches for that prick King anymore, woop woop woop woop, pow pow pow, braaaaaaaaap!"

When the chips are down

2009-10-14T20:47:00.001+01:00

Yo! Pringles are obviously evil. No potato cutting woman or man could cut that exactly that many number of times with that weird rough texture. Look at the front of a box of pringles, and basically they are fronted by Daniel Day Lewis from Gangs of New York, minus an awesome hat. Clearly Pringle man is a villain (the mustache is a dead give away, but the bow tie is also a subtly suggestive sinister sign).

How about kettle chips though, are they evil? Look at the font: oldskool sort of Grandads Werthers Original Spinoff Chips Factory stylings, so far so nice. And they only use sunflower oil (the packet boasts 100 percent) so that's nice, right? AND there's a man stirring a giant vat of crisps in a giant cauldron, so look they are fried in someones hands ( hand fried or something). It's about as homely as an apple pie waiting on a window sill to cool down to avoid scoldification. So is it playing the Knight against Pringle The Dragon?

Hell NO!

The damn chips are muntafunkingly addictive, rendering moot any sort of £40 a month gym membership you (I) might have. And the innocent trappings? It's all an obfuscation of the evil intent! Villains don't act like "mustache twirling with one hand ladies on train tracks with the other and tying knots with the other hand" types, they're far more neat and charming with their nefarious ways.

Blaaady evil crisps.

Also 100% sunflower oil is probably an accurate description (with a 10 percent error, natch) of each crisp.

Helping The Homeless

2009-10-14T20:46:00.000+01:00

On occasion, if tales are to believed, people leave home after being lovingly created in an oven and being given jellytot buttons.

These lost men, are often very confident, especially with their 'escape' and manage evasion for a very long time. However the men seem to very often come a cropper when their confidence allows them to bargain with the devil incarnate himself, Mr.Fox. In addtion the men seem to face danger from things we would taunt with when we equip ourselves with amusing little addons called 'hats', 'coats' and the mysterious weapon called 'brollies'.

Hello children, help out the crazy confident confection buttoned man and provide him tent with two slices of bread, stale ones if you wish, to provide some sort of respite against the ever mounting odds that face the delightfully singing "you can't catch me..." man.

Alternatively just eat the damn biscuit.

consurmerist observation

2009-10-14T20:44:00.002+01:00

When you go into a shop that says "welcome we are open"
you cannot leave
because
the world says
"sorry we are closed"

Exit.

2009-10-14T20:44:00.001+01:00

please be aware of your surroundings, your nearest exit may actually be behind you.
of course in the event that a thousand tonne tube of steel to fall outta the sky, bending forward will save your life.
of course in economy bending forward more than an inch is a physical and practical impossibility

great-o scott-o!

albino

2009-10-14T20:43:00.001+01:00

describe a zebra.
okay describe an albino zebra.
is an albino zebra a horse?

what does an albino polar bear look like?

albino peacocks look cool, like ipods.
possibly iPeacocks.
sounds wrong right?

Calamari!

2009-10-14T20:42:00.000+01:00

calamari? what's that?

bloody squid innit! (not squid that happens to be bloody)

man theyre cooking it on ready steady cook, which is on the tv now (shudder)
looks like a giant opaque condom with tentacles.

bon apetit!

Love Soup

2009-10-14T20:41:00.000+01:00

i've been watching this show (downloaded off the internet to my shame :-( but i did try to buy it off internet- 40 quid me thinks not, and use bbc iplayer so i thought "sod it tis thealternative way for me") any way its this show called "love soup" its soo good. the show is about two people who are essentially perfect for each other, fate hath never made a couple so suitable for each other. the only problem is whether the two will ever meet. ive only got through about half of series one, so i have no idea whether the two will get together.

anyway check it out if it sounds appealing.

Ronnie!

2009-10-14T20:40:00.001+01:00

hello, my name is Ronnie, i am a marketing executive for a very large organisation potentially in contact with billions of people every day.

- Ronnie is attending a support group after losing his way a bit, he feels his role is less important now, and just wants to tell someone how he feels.

time was i used to send messages across thousands of people, led armies of warriors to destroy evil kings, orchestrated wars between warring families, fed hundreds and hundreds of people using the most minor ingredients. one time i managed to save a bunch of people who were being chased by the king of a nation by using some funky irrigation method. point is i used to be a big shot, pulling off extravagant marketing maneuvers, and people accepted what i had to say, times were great. one thing i was particularly proud of was creating a bunch of slogans, which when i hear them today make me smile.

nowadays things are much less impressive. I'm resorting to small scale viral marketing campaigns, and hope they catch the media's attention. for example i recently rejigged this mans toaster to show my calling card, world wide phenomena. another time i stayed up all night delicately adjusting the internals of a watermelon, this only made it to local press and was partially disappointing

i guess my annoyance and disappointment comes from the distinct downsizing of the operations i carry out, things used to be way way grander back in the day, i dunno maybe I'm being too picky, anyway thanks for listening :)

God+QM

2009-10-14T20:36:00.002+01:00

i just read this book, the end of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas, and i came a cross an intriguing thought experiment/ theory. it goes something like this (as i understand it).

if you rewind the expansion of the universe all the way back to singularity, then you end up with a quantum mechanical system.

this means that the universe at this stage would have numerous possibilities, each with a numerical probability of it occurring. here's the rub.

either all of these possibilities played out, expanding into all of the multiverses (i would assume that say there were an million universes and the probability of 2 particular universes was 2/10 and 3/10 then those universes would occur 200 000 and 300 000 times respectively). my understanding of this is a bit sketchy, i would suggest there are probably an infinite number of universes possible from this point.

the alternative to this is that if the number of universes is only one then something needed to occur to collapse the wave function of the quantum mechanical situation, i.e. an observation by an outside existence. the nature of the outside observer is not really important, for example it could (technically) be the creator of all things- as is advertised by religions, but it could also be one of those (spoilers for MIB) alien things at the end of the film

I don't make out this is completely my own thinking, i just wanted to shout it out there.

Phrasing

2009-10-14T20:33:00.000+01:00

disabled toilet.

there is something about that phrase that strikes me as odd.
would you go to a disabled toilet?
a toilet that is disabled
no longer functioning
an ex toilet
once that ceases to be a working toilet
turned off
el finito.

just odd that's all

Informa-crashing down.

2009-10-14T20:32:00.000+01:00

Welcome to the world of the utilitarian bullshit

all things are merely in existance of people for their usefulness.

toasters, buses, medicine, natural resources (are natural resources ours to be abused because we are smart enought to have fucking thought of it?), and (most controvertially) people

is it too cynical a view that people only give a toss about one another because they perform some useful function,

examples - continuing our genetic line

- reinforcing our self esteem

- needing them for information

this might seem harsh, it only seems to be really apparant though when you get the feeling of being

dashed away like some unwanted kittens at the side of the road.

until that time it's all sunshines and flowers and butterflies

is there truly any way out of this (possibly imagined) mess?

Krayon!

dream sequence B

2009-10-14T20:29:00.003+01:00

The cruise ship was huge, wood decked flooring from feet to infinity. The wood perfectly parallel and with an almost Satsuma luminescence. The deck was surrounded by a black ship with a distinct border but a fuzzy outline. The velvet purple sea span out forever with millions of mini snow peaks scattered across the water. until the bruise blue sky slashed it clean through.

The breeze tugged at each lock of hair as the wind streamed past, the resultant appearance that could only be described as Sven. Oddly, everything around the ship seemed still, like when dead people come to visit.

“everything will be okay” I said, (while making nonsensical buzzing sounds, that everyone knew the meaning of) while clutching a dagger, two scars on my cheek and facing sideways with a grimace on my face.

I repeated this pose infinitely, and it seemed to be the cool thing to do each time.

The sharklike demon soared out of the sea, it was black also (like the ship) but had multicoloured iridescent scars. Hundreds and thousands of scars. And then went crashed just as quickly back into the water.

There was panic. Except for me.

dream sequence A

2009-10-14T20:29:00.001+01:00

The Giraffes (2) were floating together in the sky, if they had hands they would be held together. The giraffes were floating in the sky like they lost their feet and they were skidding along ice. The giraffes had a serene grace that made blue ribbons trail behind them like they were slipping through toffee.

The giraffes spoke some words. Which probably sounded like the characters in Charlie Brown cartoons (kinda like the old school trumpet players – “Wah wah wa Wah Wah Waaah”). Their words/sounds made no sense but the meaning was clear like freshly melted glacier water.

I heard them say I don’t know what but I knew exactly what they said.

Wont six eou yereh wish swich maer drouy nireh d’nifyl nol luoy

The giraffes kept floating. Differently now. They were close. They were still holding hands and you could still see the deep affection. (they span gracefully in synchronicity) but it was a professional closeness. Next to the space where you could insert only a cigarette paper between their hands, were falling butterflies near the stomach of the of the taller (96 metre) giraffe.

THIS INEVITABLY TAKES ALL NIGHT TO PROCESS> FEELS LIKE SIX MINUTES

kingdoom

2009-10-14T20:27:00.000+01:00

Kings build walls, moats and palaces to protect their souls from the inevitable invaders.

Oddly the walls, moats and palaces are still there when the king has vanished, morphed or is pushing up the daisies.

It ain't the obvious, direct or legendary attacks that cripple, but the minor actors or players. Or the sneaky cancer that slowly infects then consumes from the inside out.

This is the true route to destruction.

Phone 2

2009-10-14T20:25:00.004+01:00

I'm sitting here, in one corner of my room.

in the other corner is my mobile telephone. (silent)

i don't really want to look at it, as it would merely be a confirmation of what i suspect.

there will be nothing there.

its like Schrodinger's cat until i actually look at it, i might still be popular.

(of course the liklihood of this is lower than the belly of a snake, but on the other hand the the possibility is still there)

so i avoid looking at it (hardly brave)

and then it taunts me. insists i come over, take a peek at the screen.
A flash of light.
What? No. It can't be.

checking to see if that tiny envelope, like a beacon carrier of new information.
BATTERY LOW.

the phone is now on the floor. it seems to have transformed from a single piece to a collective of pieces. lying on the floor like the broken

remains of people in war movies.

#4 (moonversation)

2009-10-14T20:25:00.001+01:00

moonversation and headphones (work it out brother/sister)

the moon was bright today. Smiling like it knew something, she’s surprisingly bright you know, considering her surface is completely made out of rocks.

I spoke to the moon. She just smiled. With that face that’s just there, you know which one I mean, it is actually there. Some psychologists would poopoo the face and claim it is just your mind creating connections that are non-existent, in order to comfort blanket your way through the universe. Or your brain struggling to make sense of actual random stuff. (like white noise)

White noise… krrrfshhcrrrrkfffszzhhhhhhhhhhzfsfhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhkkrrrrrrrrrfffffffffsshesgbwssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssppffffffffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhshfcrsh.

#3 (toast)

2009-10-14T20:23:00.000+01:00

unpublished article on toast theory follows

TOAST theory.

You know that thing where if you have toast and it drops onto the floor, butter side down, ruining both a perfectly serviceable slice of toast and bodging up the old carpet simultaneously?

Tadaa! The answer to life's 17^th greatest mystery (I cannot name the sixteen more mysterious, nor can I be bothered to work them out, however, I am happy to concede that if there is one or two that I have missed, or you feel that this particular mystery deserves higher ranking, give us a shout!)

I digress, mystery seventeen solved! Don’t butter the toast. That way it will never land butter side down. Or you can butter the whole carpet to avoid the hassle of bothering to butter the toast if you are inevitably going to be dropping the bread. Another solution if dropping toast on buttered floor isn’t your cup of tea, what you could do is simply, eat a spoon of butter and eat the toast, getting the taste and texture of hot buttered toast sans carpet fluff.

#2 (train)

2009-10-14T20:21:00.000+01:00

I had thought of something else. Hmm. Maybe a text message to send, I dunno

Oh yeah that was it. I was gonna talk about my computer. In the train I have possibly the smallest proper computer here. Everyone else has a regular “boasting about a fifteen point four inch monitor” laptop. While I am proud to show off my 12 incher. :D

A person is carrying a polystyrene box. Polystyrene is a good insulator. It reminded me of those boxes that you keep hearts in before operations. I doubt she was carrying a heart. Possibly a vase. Or some kind of coffee. ]

Its cold and wet and about five past five on the fourth of December. If it was five past five on the fifth of may that would be a coincidence worth noting, as it were it is not and that coinkidink is still exactly (depending on your definition of exactly) 5 months and 1 day away.

#1(people)

2009-10-14T20:16:00.001+01:00

I saw the stunning Miss Jones today, to be honest (for once) I do not actually know what her name is, however she looked like Miss Jones. She was stunning, as I mentioned, but she also rode a bicycle, I did not see her do this- she did however, wear the reflective gubbins that a cyclist would wear, and had her trousers tucked into her socks. This gave her stunningness a charm with a nod towards nerdi/geekiness which only added to the majestic (I use that word a lot) coolness of the woman. (She also carried a fold up bicycle, which also hinted at her transport of choice :P)

Next, there was a dead body outside the train station today, as I was collecting my money from the machine des monies, the two people in front of me didn’t seem to notice or care about the bin liner wrapped body. There could only be two explanations

1) the two people in front were involved with the dastardly scheme, and felt that a non-chalant appearance near the body would deflect conspicion, (conspiracy-suspicion) this seemed likely until I realised that in my fear I was also acting quite cool around the body. I quickly thought of another explanation

2) it was a homeless person sleeping

I preferred number 2 as it meant the cops wouldn’t be involved (always a positive) also I saw the body move as if it was breathing. And telling the people in front of the cash point to shut the fuck up.

(you can sing this next line). There was a cool guy, with the sunnies and the black jacket. Trying to out Neo (can stop singing already) Mister Reeves. “Look at me I’m the baddest mofo in the world, no-the whole city”- he probably said to himself in the morning as he placed his bad ass dark glasses on at half past six in the morning.

Of course this image was appropriately broken by the man swearing like he needed to say at least a million expletives before nine o clock to honour some contract with the devil. As he was swearing he was ranting about a taxi (in Gujarati which gave the whole incident an even cheesier bollywood feel to it) and then in comedic fashion dropped his bus pass, ran fifty yards and ran back, (swearing all the way no less).

I laughed at him. I felt guilty about this after a bit because the poor man was obviously fucked over somehow (possibly by the aforementioned taxi). I chuckled, aloud to myself, in the middle of the city centre. This made me feel a little self conscious, as I was mocking a “madman” yet I was talking to myself and laughing aloud- this moment of self awareness made me stop.

The order things happened does not imply the order that they are written. (or the other way round)

egotrippingatthegateofhell

2009-10-14T20:15:00.001+01:00

"Welcome” said the devil.

"Where are my white sheets" said iDiva

We don’t do white here, only blue. Or a dash of red.

But I need white. White white white. Someones gonna get fired for this.

Someones gonna get fired all right.

Wha.. whatever I’m not going in there, not without my white sheets, it’ll fuck up my aura

Fuck up your aura? That’s cute.

Cute, whaddaya mean cute?

Nevermind. Look I’m not here do debate with you. Frankly I don’t actually realize why the fuck I’m even having these words with you. It is strange.

Strange?

Well let me put it this way. When I said, “welcome”, that’s as far as everybody ever gets.

Gets where?

Why don’t I show you… J

2009-10-14T20:11:00.000+01:00

here i am.

now I'm over there, bouncing around like some high five year old.

hippity hoppity flippity floppity, bounce bounce bounce.

like a bullet fired in an enclosed space.

settle down brother. it'll work itself out.

Chop Suey

2009-10-14T20:10:00.003+01:00

Has anyone seen the picture "Chop Suey" by Edward Hopper? it is essentially a picture of two women eating in a restaurant (chop suey) with a cup of tea as well. (im really getting into tea right now, also tea+milk=wrong)

here's the thing, the copy of the poster i have got the colours are quite dull and dark. it's really difficult to see the green woman's eyes (i'm gonna call her "miss G") which makes them look like large tearfilled black holes. anyway miss G in my poster look like she's sitting at the table with the other woman(belle) but doesn't look like miss G is actually engaged with whatever conversation the two women are in (if a conversation is what they are having atall)

it looks almost as if miss G is really sad, possibly after losing somethin (dog/cat/lucky coin/boyfriend/girlfriend) and as a result is staring of into space. while Belle has bought miss G to here favourite comfort food joint and be a nice friend.

now for the weird thing.

on my university desktop right now is a picture from this website

http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/hopper/interior/

and the picture is soo much brighter. you can atually see that she is somewhat more engaged in the conversation with belle. it seeems much happier than the one ive got.

remember this kids, knight on white horse is all i want to be

Retrospective Wit.

2009-10-14T20:08:00.000+01:00

Want to impress the girl of your dreams? well you CAN NOW!!!

try new RETROSPECTIVE WIT!

who needs to be charming and amazing in conversation, when all you have to do is go home mope about a bit

and replay the conversation in your head and change any reply to something that is appropriate with twenty minutes of thought attached to it.

it's AMAZING!

[of course this will impress the girl of your dream because you will be having the conversation as a concoction of your own MIND]

The art of conversation

2009-10-14T20:01:00.001+01:00

be patient with me here, I'm just sounding some stuff out

if it means anything to you though all the better.

I find/ observe that an unhealthy number of conversations go along this pattern

P1 "*important conversation words* blah .... Dog"

P2 " *..... oh i had a dog ... blah blah blah*... aunt Janice"

P1 "*some other mundane bollocks about an aunt*.... prunes".. et cetera

people aren't really listening they just kinda wait for the occasional flashword to appear before they can start talking about some other mundane bollocks anecdote (sometimes rudely barging in) while the other person (now interupted) waits for another arbitrary word that some how links to another stupid anecdote.

no one really finds out anything, just that everyone knows someone who had something interesting happen to them.

(this doesn't happen all the time, just enough to annoy me)

hypocrisy is the evidence of a mind in flux.

The continuing adventures of Pablo

2009-10-14T19:57:00.005+01:00

Pablo is your every day general working class kinda guy approaching middle age and lives in Australia. likes the obvious things in life going to a bar ( in this case called the Leaky Tree) with his friends Chaz, Bob and Alan. He also wants to get laid before he dies. And hates films such as Arachnophobia. Pablo also happens to be a black widow spider. {in a curious aside IS a male BWspider called a Black widow spider??}

In the Leaky Tree one night are Chaz, Bob and Pablo over a pint of ant-juice just having a general conversation

Bob: Hey has anyone seen Al' recently? i knew he was going out with that Gina chick but I haven't seen him since last Tuesday

Chaz: yeah I ain't seen him either, maybe She doesn't let him go to the bar with us any more- shame.

Pablo- wait a minute he was going out with her for weeks before he stopped coming, i remember clearly last week he was boasting about how he thought he was gonna be "In There" last Tuesday night.

B: good point, that's interesting, because a mate of mine-goes to a different bar- also mysteriously disappeared the night he met this chick at the bar.

P:hmm i have a date tonight with the lovely Sarah, do you reckon i should cancel?

C: SARAH?!? Man no way should you cancel She's SOOOO hot.

B: be careful though there seems to be a bit of a plague of these Psycho Hunnies around at the moment.

P: possibly – Sarah seems nice though, I don't think she'd do that….

Choose a university

2009-10-14T19:57:00.001+01:00

Choose a university, Choose Warwick, Choose not wanting to cook in the first year, Choose Westwood.
Choose doing Physics ahead of Psychology, Choose to regret it most of the time. Choose great friends, Choose to realise that with humour, anything is possible.
Choose nice but dull house mates and get bored. Choose to live in Sydenham,Choose to regret it being 40 minutes walk from Sugar.Choose to have my heart broken after Soul Nation in second term of second year.
Choose half price poster sale, Choose a poster to rip off, Choose life. Choose a university
Chose Warwick.

Bonza Bob

2009-10-14T19:55:00.000+01:00

Easter: yay my crops are dying and its coming up to the worst season. whats the big deal?

List A. part 2

2009-10-14T19:52:00.001+01:00

of course none of that bollocks matters.

all you need is magic.

magic (i think the french call it "i don't know what") = the inescapable charisma, said in precisely zero words or in the very fewest of them.

magic varies from person to person some people have it in abundance, others have as much as you could fit onto a postage stamp an ant would use.

the point is this.

i could write the most precise list since god told old Noah to grab an animal or two, it wouldn't make a fudge of difference

(clearly, I've just realised, everything I'm writing has been written an infinite number of times by infinite monkeys/poets/philosophers- I'm gonna stop now)

Wot on Earth?

2009-10-14T19:50:00.001+01:00

last week a black zebra with with white stripes had a conversation with a white zebra with black stripes and a barcode at the bus stop. this was ironic as black zebra was having a conversation on that very same morning, with his room mate the cheese and beans toasty.

the cheese and beans toasty works in an orange factory, in which the oranges enter the factory and then after being processed on 38 conveyor belts in which nothing happens, on the thirty ninth conveyor belt a small sticker is placed on the orange which had a smiley face and a tick on it.

As part of his job the cheese and beans toasty is allowed to steal two oranges from the conveyor belt. this is one of the rules

Rule 17b section ii

"one is allowed to steal two oranges from the conveyor belt per day"

anyway the first orange that the cheese and beans toasty ate on that day was perfectly normal. the second one however had an image of some random prophet or god or celebrity or magician. you had to squint a bit or have cataracts but it was certainly him..

the cheese and beans toasty promptly sold the orange on eBay for 14million pounds, to some guy who had at least 14 million pounds but now has much less.

the zebra (black w/white stripes) deep in the conversation with the barcode and other zebra about the meaning of colour.

they conclude that colour is arbitrary.

Romeo and Juliet: THE SEQUEL!!!!!

2009-10-14T19:49:00.000+01:00

Romeo- i still love you
Juliet- i still love you
R-hows your side of the coffin?
J- Hmm its a bit cramped
R- i believe my side is more cramped than thine
J- No no no dear For it is I with the more cramped side of the coffin
R- would thy like to trade?
J- to witness thee in an even more cramped side of the coffin would break my heart
R- your heart rotted away weeks ago
J- i meant metaphorically, Dear
R- indeed, hey would you like to play eye spy? by the way did i say i still love you?
J- yes you did, dear, and I still love you… but i donot want to play eye spy.. it is too dark in here
R-good point dear. Hey it was nice of them to put us near each other after we topped ourselves, right we get to spend an eternity together.
J- the joy…
R- i sense you are not pleased with spending an eternity with me..
J – yeah well.. it was fun when it was all that "my only love sprung out of my only hate" stuff.. but now its a bit.. you know.. meh..
R-oh you break my heart..
J-m..
R- yes metaphorically dear.. i still love you, you know..
J- yeah.. whatever.. you know i suddenly feel like killing myself again..
R- aww poo.

Encounter: Performance Wall

2009-10-14T19:48:00.001+01:00

i am working at four bloody am in the morning and i hit the magical performance wall.

the wall says
"fuck off you idiot you hit me, the magical performance wall, cos you don't know shit"

to which i reply
"you are correct I 'don't know shit' but i disagree with your tone"
to which he replies

"hmm, maybe you are right-maybe that's why no-one sends me any Christmas cards"

to which i follow up with the witty retort
"wait a minute you don't get Christmas cards cos walls don't celebrate Christmas"

to which he snaps back at me
" don't discriminate against christian walls"

then i reply humbly
"hmm sorry about that. that must depress you around Christmas time"

"yes it does"

"maybe that's why you are so grumpy"

"no that's not it, its cos i lost my pet snail the other day"

"Snails are evil, i wrote this blog about it once-explained it an everything"

"I didn't read it"

"aah don't feel guilty, you don't even have a computer"

"I don't feel guilty I'm merely stating a fact"

"oh.. well.. hmm.. i think ill be off then"

"wait you haven't even seen my party trick"

"whats that"

"ill show you"

the wall then proceeded to burn me to a crisp using his fiery breath of doom. but put me out in time using a bottle of Vimto mixed with diet coke. this meant i wast cooked and sweet tasting- much like a honey roasted peanut. i shall never mock a honey roasted peanut ever again.

Phone.

2009-10-14T19:46:00.002+01:00

I was wondering about things (always a dodgy sign) and it struck me,
sometimes when you text message someone and you really have nothing to say but you just message someone and then ramble on a bit. finally you think of something to say also by this time you've written about two pages of crap and you realise.

Torrent

2009-10-14T19:45:00.000+01:00

I feel sorry for anyone with the foresight to bring an umbrella
only to find that the wind screws it up, leaving the person defenseless
against the mighty torrent

Signs

2009-10-14T19:43:00.000+01:00

Zookeeper ' please do not feed the tiger'
Me 'then for the love of god help me get my leg out of its bloody mouth!'

Moral Dilemma

2009-10-14T19:42:00.001+01:00

You are the owner of a factory, more specifically a biscuit factory, because
we are in Britain.
as the owner of this factory you have decided to employ workers of multi
origin, i.e. both people and puppets.

specifically in your workforce is a Muppet named Elmo. now Elmo had a friend
who is addicted to biscuits, specifically cookies, we shall keep this person
anonymous. the point is our little red worker Elmo has been stealing
biscuits, so many so that he wont be able to pay back the cost with his
wages (his friend has a serious issue). The point is if it came down to it
is t actually physically possible to FIRE Elmo? i don't know what to do!!!

Snails 2

2009-10-14T19:41:00.002+01:00

*okay firstly sorry about going on about it but if ya want just delete it,
else read on, also if you might be offended by any thing ever don't read*

Hallo!

Okay this has been bugging me WHAT is the blooming point of snails? I mean
man they are sooo lame . i figure i t must have gone something like this,
'the creator of all living things'(TM) lets call it TC for short- must have
a soft spot for slugs. let me explain, what follows is how a conversation
might have gone

TC- Darwin, mate i ain't got a clue, i got these slugs right, and i
really like em slugs but they too slow! they get eaten by birds!
Darwin- why don't you make em faster?
TC- nah cant do that mate already given em super intelligence that would be
damn unfair, cant have things being unfair can we Darz man?
D- okay how bout you give them a protective shell that also works as their
home!

And for a while slugs roamed around with three bedroom semidetached on
their backs, which stopped the birds, until everyone realised, the slugs
couldn't move to catch their sole prey- plants- they were just damn
inconvenient and thus we have slugs with smaller shells, snails
they still get eaten by birds but who cares?

By the way If snails so smart how come you always end up with roses
dieing cos they got tons of holes, but the garden is still as weedy as ever?
Another sign that they hate us

Apologies RANT OVER

Snails

2009-10-14T19:38:00.001+01:00

Snails are not very nice are they? Icky n Slimy eww

Theory: okay try this walk across the your room or any predefined distance.
and time yourself. Just a walk will do no running here please. So what kind of
time did you get,, faster than the speed of light? possibly not but the time
is unimportant.

Now try this Walk across the same distance only this time think about
reciting the alphabet backwards in your head while you walk across this
space. and time it again. Notice something different? Your time should be
slower than previously.(unless you already know the alphabet backwards in
which case there was no THOUGHT process and you my friend are a crazy kat)

SO whats this got to do with anything? THINKING WHILE WALKING = SLOW WALKING
a simple equation, now if you consider the alphabet rudimentary what about
if it was quantum physics or something equally nasty, would you walk slower
still? I'm thinking YES

Snails- they walk quite slowly WHY? they are possibly the lamest animals in
the world next to earthworms, in terms of general lameness, they do very little
get crushed on wet dark nights and mess up your garden, and move really
slowly. SO they must exist or have survived for some reason right??
(the fact that the food they go after is stationary at best is irrelevant)

Lets say walk speed is proportional to hardness of thinking, this would
imply that snails are thinking all the time! AND at that speed the thoughts
might not JUST be of Quantum Physics but EUROPEAN LAW TOO e at the
same time. They could do our exams in a snatch- BUT THEY WON'T

WHY? because i am under the impression that they are very pissed off at
their public image, why should they help 'the oppressive human'? SO there we
go PISSED OFF LITTLE GITS living in your garden. enjoy

The damned purple sweets

2009-10-14T19:37:00.001+01:00

the lemon flavoured opal fruits have been eliminated. and the green ones are
lemon-lime (or sprite flavour if you want) not just regular lime!

i remember back in the day when we were allowed a choice in the matter,
'shall i have the lemon or the lime one' lemon OR lime. why did they feel it
necessary to lump the two crappiest flavours out of all opal fruits into one
hybrid crap flavour? I suppose it may be considered a good thing reducing
the number of crap flavours into from two to one (strawberry, orange being
nice and the other two being awful , by the way lemon/lime lovers you are
soooo wrong) meaning if you really wanted you only need to chuck one
sweet(or give it away) out as opposed to two, HURRAH!

Oh Wait whats this….

replace the vacated spot with…... Blackcurrant, eeeew now officially the
rankest flavour of the lot ( and by shear coincidence the one you get most
of in a tube and also the one at the top and bottom of the tube THANK YOU SO
MUCH)

I ain't even gonna start on the name change ( OK just a little- Starburst…
Pff i think you'll find the technical term is SUPER NOVA, idiots )

Who rules the world

2009-10-14T19:25:00.002+01:00

now before you dismiss this as guff let me assure you there is absolutely
some vital evidence that may be neglected to be mentioned here but alas it
probably is somewhere

first a question
what is the one thing that toppled the french monarchy? some people may
fool you into thinking that it was poverty or such nonsense, how ever the key
lies in the famous line

"let them eat cake"

quite clearly this is the Evidence that suggests that Cake is indeed the
primary influence for causing the toppling of the french monarchy, dont
believe me, offer some person you know some cake and suddenly their
personality will change, thoroughly influenced by the POWER of CAKE

lets see how far the conspiracy goes-

Who owns the major cake companies lets say
Otis Spunkmeyer, Coombs and The daddy mack of them all Kipling

Hold on whats this O S C K or possibly SOCK!
yes indeed people the great CAKE conspirators DO OWN SOCKS!
EVERY SOCK!
Think About it who protects the Sock- its the shoes!
now consider the further evidence
Adidas, Nike, Reebok etc The biggest shoe firms in The UNIVERSE!
But closer to home who is in the POCKET of every shoe firm on this planet,
ONLY the most influential people to OUR YOUTH of TODAY- that's correct SPORTS
SUPERSTARS!
The CAKES hold the influence

But surely they dont have the government?
Well consider this EVERY GOVERNMENT army in the WORLD wears-that's correct,
SHOES!

NOT only do they have the INFLUENCE but ALSO the FORCE!
take your shoes off for a moment (SHOES!) and what do you have on? SOCKS-
they already have us in there control, WHY ? because they ALSO control the
weather (why else wear socks)

THINK ABOUT IT
THE SIGNS ARE THERE!
this warning was created form information collected/made up

ReBoot.

2008-06-19T02:27:00.000+01:00

I used to write a blog on my old University of Warwick site, and one on MSN live spaces. This seems a bit more flexible, here's hoping I can catch some of the old magic.